Spent some time at the flower farm this morning helping my mom pick. Got paid in flowers. It was nice to explore a different space.
My space feels like a stranger. It’s not hostile and I think that’s even worse. It feels like it doesn’t recognize me, like it doesn’t even know me enough to hate me. It’s ambivalent towards me and it’s hurtful to spend so much energy and time and emotion sinking into the Earth here where it just greedily drinks it up and feels nothing.
I added some last-minute upgrades to the one coop yesterday before bed. I added a door handle to the ramp door. It’s been bothering me that it has no handle after having to pry it open with my fingernails every morning. I added extra locks to every opening that that coop has. That better be enough. Everyone made it through the night last night, but my three older ducks are still feeling very uncomfortable being mixed in with a flock of younger birds. They’re clinging to each other and staying away from everyone else.
I walk the property and I don’t see the results of my labor. I just see an ongoing list of more and more demands. Its that time of the year where usually I can just sit back and harvest, but with the constant onslot of foreign presence disrupting the relationship that I have with my plants and my animals, things just don’t feel right. I think I need to spend some time this week reconnecting with my presence here, reconnecting with the house and the garden.
I think I’m just feeling overwhelmed by how many things went undone this month with being away and then being sick. Maybe I’m just feeling disconnected and it’s not that these things are hostile towards me or even ambivalent towards me. It’s that they’re just on pause. They’re just frozen until I can get some major tasks done and break them out of confinement, get them back to where they need to go.
So this week I think since I’m starting to feel…maybe not better but different at least, this cold has moved sort of from my throat to my nose, which is maybe an improvement I don’t know. But this week I think I need to just slowly reconnect, work myself back in to my spot as a piece of the puzzle in this place. Get back into my routine, snuggle down into daily life, like an earthworm in the dirt.
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